


Competent

by SSSRHA



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hilarious, Light Angst, One Shot, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-23 14:14:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16160552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SSSRHA/pseuds/SSSRHA
Summary: When Itachi met Naruto and Sasuke at the hotel, he expected a dumb Jinchuuriki and an angsty, revenge-ridden boy. Instead, he got a competent (and somewhat terrifying) paragon and a little brother that actually did some research and knows more than he should. There is much angst on Itachi's part and crack on everyone else's. "DOES NO ONE HEAR ME DYING HERE?!"





	Competent

**"It's been** a while, Sasuke," Itachi said cooly.

He was still facing Naruto, who was frozen, unable to bring himself to move from the hotel room.

"Big Brother…"

Even if it was minuscule, Itachi's eyes widened.  _Big Brother…_

How he had longed to hear his dear little brother say that again. He thought he never would. He had resigned himself to his fate.

_Sasuke can't love me. I killed everyone he did love. I'm the villain now. Sasuke's the hero. He won't call me Big Brother anymore. It's for the best._

Yet here he was.

When he stayed silent, Sasuke continued. "Yeah, it's been a while."

Kisame turned. "Big Brother? Now that I look at him, he does look like you. Itachi, is that true?" Itachi could practically hear the curious mirth in his voice.

Itachi closed his eyes. "He is my younger brother."

Naruto's eyes widened in realization.

"Really?" Kisame asked with raised eyebrows. "I heard that the entire Uchiha Clan was wiped out...by you."

Itachi finally turned and faced his brother. He hesitated (though not visibly) when Sasuke just stared at him. There was no hate or anger in his gaze. In fact, if you looked close enough, there was sadness and regret.

_Why...why is there that look in his eye? After everything I did…_

_...why is all that sadness and regret in his eyes for me?_

But, as fast as it was there, it was gone. His expression was as blank as Itachi's. And as blank as their father's.

Itachi inwardly winced at how much, at that moment, Sasuke looked like him. That's when he noticed the dark circles under his eyes. The same dark circles their father had acquired from nights staying up late to finish paperwork.

Yes, those eyes were their father's. Everything else was definitely his mother's, though. The delicate facial structure, the soft hair, and nose…

Something twisted in his heart.

* * *

**"Well then,** Naruto and I'll be on our way." Sasuke walked forward to grab Naruto's arm and drag him away, but Itachi moved to stand in between them.

"Naruto will be coming with us," Itachi said calmly.

"Yeah, no," Sasuke said. "Besides, why would you want  _Naruto_? He's the idiot of the class and can barely do anything." Sasuke paused. "Actually, I guess I can't say that he can't do  _anything_ since he took out Suna's Jinchuuriki when he was transformed...that was actually really cool…"

"Sasuke, I appreciate the praise," Naruto stuttered from his place in the hotel room, "but this is  _not a good time-_ "

"Of course it's a good time," Sasuke said, waving his hand dismissively. "You look pretty down over there and everyone needs some encouragement every now and then."

" _Sasuke…_ " That's when Naruto caught the look in Sasuke's eyes.

_He's stalling!_  Naruto thought.  _I'm his best friend, how did I not notice until now?_

"Sasuke," Naruto said again, "you're also really strong. You have a three-tomoe Sharingan already-"  _WHY DID I SAY THAT I JUST TOLD THE ENEMY SASUKE'S GREATEST STRENGTH I'M AN IDIOT!_  "-and you were Rookie of the Year."

Suffice to say, Naruto did not work well under pressure unless it was on his own terms.

For a second, Sasuke shot Naruto a withering glare. The next second, a look of false pride entered his eyes.

"Yes, yes I have a three-tomoe Sharingan and I was Rookie of the Year. I'm just awesome like that." He looked over the two S-ranked shinobi and did his best not to shiver when he realized that they could both probably kill him in seconds. "And even I probably won't be of any worth to you, so...I'll do us all a favor and take Naruto."

Sasuke's eyes flicked to Naruto.  _If you also tell them I know Chidori, I will end you._

Naruto gave him a sheepish look.  _R-Right._

"So, Naruto, let's get going-"

A full Sharingan was suddenly staring at him. "Naruto  _will_  be coming with us."

_Damn it!_ Sasuke thought.  _Naruto's perverted sensei isn't here yet! This is it. I'm going to die a pitiful genin, killed by his own big brother when he was going_ _ **easy**_   _on him._  Sasuke paused.  _Or by a man-shark. Joy._

Suddenly, Itachi punched him in the gut. Sasuke gasped at the pain in his stomach.  _Oh come one, can I not get a break?!_

Itachi lowered his mouth to Sasuke's ear and whispered, "You lack  _hatred_."

"Well, there isn't much to hate besides the fact that you're acting like a jerk on steroids," Sasuke muttered. 

* * *

**Itachi couldn't** hear what Sasuke had muttered. Sasuke coughed and lifted his head weakly. His voice shaking, but his eyes filled with amusement, Sasuke said, "You know what, there is no way that anyone could be this powerful. You probably  _are_  on steroids." He paused to take another shuddering breath. "That is so unfair! Didn't our parents ever tell you,  _sharing is caring_."

Itachi hoped Sasuke hadn't seen his eye twitch. 

* * *

**Sasuke _totally_**  saw his brother's eye twitch.

Naruto, despite seeing how fearless (or, at least, positive that he wasn't in mortal danger) Sasuke was, still felt a pit in his stomach.

Or maybe he was feeling empathy for his best friend who still had his elder brother's fist in his stomach. Either way, it felt  _bad_.

_Okay,_  Naruto thought,  _I may not be the smartest kid in my generation, but I can still throw together a half-baked plan! I can do this! Think, think, think…_

It wasn't working. Naruto closed his eyes. Should he do... _it_?

When Sasuke glanced at Naruto, dread filled him as he realized what Naruto was considering.  _Naruto, you BETTER not be thinking what I think you're thinking...even though it always works. But my brother doesn't NEED it...the shark-man could probably use it though…_

_And it's great for stalling…_

Before Naruto could do  _it_ , and before Sasuke could warn his brother to  _runrunrun_ , a giant toad was suddenly behind them.

Naruto's eyes snapped open and everyone turned to look at the man on top of the toad's head.

"You don't seem to know very much about me. I'm better at getting girls than they are at getting me. Even though it doesn't look like it, it's my...specialty." A pause, before, "I AM JIRAIYA, THE EPITOME OF MANLINESS! I WILL FALL FOR NO WOMAN'S FEMININE WILES! WHEN YOU'RE SOMEONE LIKE ME, YOU'LL ONLY HAVE TO FLASH THAT SEXINESS TO HAVE WOMEN FALL AT YOUR FEET!"

"..." Complete silence. Naruto's eye twitched.

Itachi, somewhat surprised, brought his fist away, and Sasuke fell to the floor, groaning.

" _My poor spleen…_ "

Naruto (in true Naruto fashion), ignored his groaning friend, pointed at Jiraiya, and yelled, "Oh yeah? That girl just winked at ya and you were scampering after her! You were just trying to look all cool and classy, Pervy Sage!"

"Hey!" Jiraiya yelled back. "Can you stop calling me that in front of others?"

"Screw that!" Naruto exclaimed. "Worry about those guys over there!" He pointed to the two S-rank criminals who were watching the exchange with a considerable amount of intrigue.

" _Yes,_ " Sasuke muttered, " _don't worry about the boy groaning on the ground…_ " Another round of pain hit. " _And there go my kidneys…"_

Naruto paused. "Pervy Sage, why is there an unconscious woman thrown over your shoulder?"

Before Jiraiya could answer, Kisame said, "Heh...so, it's one of the Legendary Sannin, the Great Jiraiya, eh? We knew you liked beautiful women, but we didn't think that such a simple method would work…"

"...you know who Pervy Sage is?"

"Of course they know who I am, brat!"

" _My pelvis…_ "

"In any case," Kisame continued, "it seems you've already undone the genjutsu binding that woman."

Jiraiya's face went back to serious as he set the woman down. "You guys wanted to draw me away so you used the Sharingan on this woman, huh? Not a very gentlemanly thing to do." He got back up and turned to them. "So you really are after Naruto."

"Of course they're after me!" Naruto yelled. "What did you think, they were after the guy in 2-B and they accidentally knocked on the wrong door?"

" _The family in 2-B are wanted criminals,_ " Sasuke muttered from the floor.

"They are?"

" _So_ _ **now**_ _you hear me?_ " Another groan. " _My ribs...I DEMAND THAT YOU PAY THE MEDICAL BILL!"_ he yelled at Itachi.

He was once again ignored.

"No wonder Kakashi knew about this," Itachi said. "You were the source of information…"

"Did no one hear me say that even  _I_ knew?"

" _DOES NO ONE HEAR ME DYING HERE?!_ "

"'Abduct Naruto'," Itachi continued, seemingly unperturbed, "those were the orders given to us by the higher-ups of our organization: Akatsuki."

"...dawn?"

" _It's like I'm freaking invisible…"_

Silence (other than Sasuke's groaning), until Jiraiya said, "You won't get Naruto."

"And why not?"

"Because, right now, right here,  _you two will die by my hand_."

" _H-Hey_ ," Sasuke said from the floor, " _let's not get ahead of ourselves here…"_

Jiraiya glanced down. "What do you mean?"

Eye twitching, Sasuke managed to stumble to his feet, then yelled, " _SO_ _ **NOW**_   _YOU HEAR ME?!"_

"What are you talking about?"

Sasuke's eye twitched again, but he took in a deep breath, then let it out. "Okay, how about this? We take Naruto, Itachi pays my medical bill,  _and you_ _ **will**_   _be paying it,_  and we all go our separate ways and agree to meet again another day?"

"Why would we do that?" Kisame asked.

"Because…" Sasuke went over hundreds of plans in his head, before realizing his only hope. Ignoring the dread filling him (and the excruciating pain in his abdomen), he stood up straighter and said, "Because otherwise, I'll let Naruto do  _it_."

"...it?"

"No," Sasuke hissed (both at their naivete and his pain), " _it_."

"...Sasuke, are you sure?" Naruto asked, eyes shadowed.

"There's no other option," Sasuke said solemnly.

"Fine," Naruto said softly. He moved his head, slowly, and for some reason, pure fear of what he could  _possibly_  do filled Itachi, Kisame, and Jiraiya.

Luckily (or unluckily) for Itachi and Kisame, suddenly the hallway got a lot more...fleshy.

"Ninpou Gamaguchi Shibari!"

Jiraiya looked up from his crouched position on the floor. "Naruto, whatever you were about to do...don't."

"What the heck?!"

"Calm down, Sasuke, and don't move. I just summoned the esophagus of the Giant Toad." He turned and smirked at Itachi and Kisame. "Well, criminals, hope you enjoy being food to Iwagama!"

"Hey, why don't we all just agree on the 'Until we meet again' thing…"

"Kisame, over here," Itachi snapped.

"On it." Kisame dashed towards Itachi.

Jiraiya's smirk widened. "No one can move without my awareness!"

As Itachi and Kisame ran down the hallway, the walls started closing in.

"Itachi," Kisame said, "at this rate…"

"..." Itachi closed his eyes.

Jiraiya suddenly jumped up, eyes wide. He ran to get a clear view of the hall that Kisame and Itachi were in.

"Pervy Sage, what's going on?" Naruto asked, darting after him. Sasuke kind of...hobbled.

When Naruto and Sasuke stood next to Jiraiya, their eyes widened. The flesh at the end of the hallway was torn, as was the wall, leading to the outside. Black flames still lingered.

Jiraiya pursed his lips.  _They broke the wall of flesh…_

* * *

**As they** continued running, Kisame glanced over at Itachi. "Why do  _you_  need to retreat?"

"Well," Itachi said between pants, "if what we believe about Naruto is true, then there's no need to be hasty. I also need some rest. Not to mention, we shouldn't use  _it_  until tomorrow."

Both Kisame and Itachi momentarily shivered.

"My apologies, that was a bad choice of words on my part…" 

* * *

**"Why's that** fire black?" Naruto asked.

"Either it's some jutsu they know," Sasuke said, "or it's a power of the Sharingan." He paused. "But there are no records of something like this on a normal Sharingan. But that means…" Sasuke started muttering to himself.

"Sasuke," Jiraiya said, "do you know what those black flames are?"

Sasuke stilled. "...it's not that I know what they are, but I think I know how they got control of it...but it's just some speculation…"

"Sasuke, it managed to burn through Iwagama's flesh."

"And from the tone Pervy Sage used," Naruto said, "I don't think that's supposed to be possible."

Sasuke shook his head and kept muttering to himself. Jiraiya sighed.

"Okay, I guess I'll just seal the flames and see what we can find out." He paused and glanced at Sasuke and Naruto. "Oh, and what is this  _it_ that you were talking about?"

Sasuke shivered. " _It's_  Naruto's signature," he leaned in close to Jiraiya and whispered, "Talk no Jutsu."

Jiraiya blinked. "What's so bad about that?"

"No one who goes through a Talk no Jutsu is ever the same," Sasuke hissed. "Zabuza Momochi, the Demon of the Bloody Mist, was reduced to a sobbing, sentimental mess. Neji Hyuga, the prodigy of the Hyuga Clan, had to rebuild his entire moral compass after Naruto got through with him. Gaara of the Sand, the maniacal, homicidal Jinchuuriki of the One-Tails, is now  _sane_."

Jiraiya's eyes widened. "Tsunade...after Naruto, she was actually  _competent_." You could hear the fear rolling off of his voice.

As one, Sasuke and Jiraiya turned to Naruto. For a second, they saw nothing but maniacal mirth in his eyes. But, just as fast as it appeared, it was gone, replaced with confusion. "Uh...why are you two looking at me like that?"

Jiraiya and Sasuke shivered. They would never know if that was just their imagination or not.

Suddenly, Sasuke clutched his stomach and winced, falling to the ground. " _My diaphragm…"_  His eyes flashed. " _HE DIDN'T PAY MY MEDICAL BILL! I'LL KILL HIM!"_

"Weren't you the one who stopped me from killing them?"

" _THAT WAS BEFORE HE LEFT ME TO PAY! LET ME AT HIM!"_

Naruto sighed. "Sometimes I wonder how you're my best friend…"

" _SO DO I!"_

**~The End~**

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked that little fic! It's one of my favorites, to be honest. I remember being really proud when I finished writing it because my dad burst out laughing while reading it. Ah, good times.
> 
> I hope that you've had a good day and if not, I hope that tomorrow's better! This is SSSRHA, signing out!


End file.
